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Shakespeare’s Secret Masterpiece: Did the Bard Pen the King James Bible as His Greatest Prank?

Imagine a world where the greatest literary mind of all time didn’t just write Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet—but secretly crafted the King James Bible, slipping in a cheeky wink to posterity. It's a notion so audacious it feels ripped from a Shakespearean comedy: the Bard, quill in hand, pulling the wool over the eyes of kings, clergy, and history itself. But is there a shred of truth to the tantalising claim that Shakespeare’s finest work—and most devilish jest—was the Holy Book that shaped the English-speaking world? Let’s dive into this literary whodunit with a pint of scepticism and a dash of Elizabethan flair. The King James Bible, unveiled in 1611, stands as a monument of language and faith. Commissioned by King James I, it was the brainchild of a crack team of 47 scholars—learned blokes steeped in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin, tasked with forging a definitive English translation. Meanwhile, across the cobbled streets of London, William Shakespeare, born in 1564, was the toast of th...
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#TheOnguruReport's Ultimate Guide for Surviving Police Brutality: Tuesday is Tuesday Protest Edition



As Kenya's Gen Z revolution gears up for another showdown with the powers that be, it's crucial to be prepared.
Today, as you descend on Nairobi CBD for the ultimate "Tuesday is Tuesday" protest, arm yourself with knowledge, wit, and a dash of humour.
Kenyatta Avenue, Nairobi, at 1303HRS on Tuesday 16 July, 2024

Here’s your comprehensive, slightly hilarious, but absolutely practical guide to weathering the storm of Kenya Police brutality.
1. Toothpaste: The Myth and Reality
Ah, the urban legend that toothpaste can save your eyes from teargas. While it might give you a fleeting, minty fresh sensation under your eyes, don’t expect miracles. Teargas, primarily composed of CS gas, is a fierce adversary. Here’s a more scientific approach:
  • Reality Check: Toothpaste offers only a temporary, superficial relief. It won’t neutralise tear gas chemicals.
  • What to Do Instead: Rinse your face with a solution of water and baking soda. Carry a small spray bottle filled with this mix. It’s far more effective than your trusty Colgate.
2. Water Bottles: Your Lifeline
Hydration is key, but your water bottle has more than one role to play today:
  • Rinse and Repeat: Use water to rinse your eyes, face, and any other exposed skin that comes in contact with teargas.
  • Stay Hydrated: Protesters often forget to drink water in the heat of the moment. Keep sipping to avoid dehydration and to maintain your energy levels.
3. DIY Teargas Neutralisers
In the absence of professional-grade wipes, here’s what you can do:
  • Milk of Magnesia Mixture: Mix water, liquid antacid (like Milk of Magnesia), and a bit of baking soda. Spray this on affected areas to neutralise teargas.
  • Fresh Air Strategy: Always move against the wind direction after a teargas canister is fired. The breeze will help dissipate the gas more quickly.
4. Protective Gear Essentials
Looking like a sci-fi warrior isn’t just cool; it’s functional:
  • Goggles: Protect your eyes from teargas and pepper spray. Swimming goggles work wonders.
  • Masks: A face mask or bandana soaked in vinegar or lemon juice can help filter out some of the gas. If possible, wear a full-face respirator.
  • Clothing: Wear long sleeves and pants to protect your skin. Make sure your clothes are thick enough to offer some defense but light enough to not cause overheating.
5. The Buddy System
You’re stronger together:
  • Pair Up: Always have a protest buddy. Watch each other’s backs, especially when the situation gets chaotic.
  • Communication: Agree on hand signals or pre-set phrases to communicate over the noise. Remember, mobile networks often get jammed or intentionally switched off, so plan accordingly.
6. Dealing with Water Cannons
When the police bring out the big guns (water cannons), stay grounded:
  • Shield Yourself: If you can, use large, flat objects like plywood boards or metal sheets as makeshift shields.
  • Stay Low: Crouching makes you a smaller target and less likely to get knocked over by the force of the water.
7. Post-Protest Care
After the dust settles, take care of yourself:
  • Decontamination: Rinse thoroughly with water. Don’t forget to wash your clothes separately to avoid contaminating other items.
  • Medical Attention: Seek immediate medical help for any injuries. Keep a list of emergency contacts handy.
8. Legal Know-How
Knowledge is power:
  • Your Rights: Know your rights as a protester. Carry a printed copy of the Constitution’s relevant sections. Article 37 in particular protects your right to assembly, demonstration, picketing and petition. Every person has the right, peaceably and unarmed, to assemble, to demonstrate, to picket, and to present petitions to public authorities.
  • Legal Aid: Have contacts for legal aid organisations saved in your phone and written down. The Law Society of Kenya are located in Lavington, opposite Valley Arcade, Gitanga Road, and can be contacted via telephone: +254-111-045-300, or their website  and X handle.
9. Staying Positive and Focused
Remember why you’re out there:

Stay Calm: Don’t let the chaos shake your resolve. Breathe deeply and focus on the cause.

Humour Helps: A little humour goes a long way. Laugh off the minor setbacks and stay determined.

With these tips in hand, you’re not just surviving the protest; you’re thriving. Today, as you join thousands of other fed up Kenyans across the country, remember that your voice matters. Stay safe, stay strong, and let’s make history together. Tuesday is Tuesday, after all.

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