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How The Government of Kenya is Spying on Your Phone: An Urgent Exposé of State Surveillance

During the recent Gen Z-led protests that shook William Ruto personally and his administration to its very core, many Kenyans found themselves asking a chilling question: How did the police track them down so easily, even in the supposed safety of their homes? Scores of activists and protesters were abducted, many never to be seen again. Suspicion quickly fell on Safaricom and Kenya Power, accused of handing over personal information to a rogue state. But the truth may be even more disturbing—and far simpler than most would imagine... In a revelation that will shock every Kenyan, your private communications—phone calls, texts, and even your physical location—is being monitored without your knowledge. The Kenyan government has been accused of engaging in widespread surveillance of its citizens, using sophisticated tools provided by Israeli cyber-espionage firm Circles. This disturbing information was uncovered in a damning report by Citizen Lab, a digital rights watchdog based at the Un
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William Ruto's Wet and Wild Plan: Flood Victims to Be Relocated Whether They Like It or Not!


In a plot twist straight out of a waterlogged comedy, President William Ruto has declared that flood-stricken citizens will be relocated, whether they kithni or they ndekni, by force, by fire, whether they're ready to swim away or not!

As Nairobi transforms into a watery wonderland, thanks to the generous, timely, and most benevolent prayers of First Lady Rachel Ruto and Pastor Benny Hinn, President Ruto's solution to the soggy saga is making waves of its own.

Speaking from the newly inaugurated Bunge Tower, President Ruto expressed his concern over the deluge debacle, lamenting the loss of life and property as floods wreak havoc across the country. But fear not, dear citizens, for the President has a plan, and it's as bold as it is buoyant.

"I'll be convening another impromptu water ballet session with our multi-agency teams to ensure we provide adequate support to those in need," declared President Ruto, making waves with his watery wit. "And for those living in flood-prone areas, well, let's just say we'll be giving them a one-way ticket to dryer pastures, whether they're ready to pack their inflatable rafts or not!"

In a stroke of bureaucratic brilliance, President Ruto has tapped into the National Youth Service (NYS) to provide land out of thin air for the displaced flood victims. It's a move that promises to turn the tide on Nairobi's flooded fate, one soggy citizen at a time.

"I've given the green light to the NYS to scout out some dry land for our waterlogged comrades," quipped President Ruto, adding a splash of humor to the proceedings. "After all, it's sink or swim, folks, and I'd rather see you all floating on solid ground!"

But President Ruto's aquatic antics don't end there. He's mobilised the military and implored members of the National Government to dive headfirst into flood relief efforts. With Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua set to host a high-level meeting with all the soggy stakeholders, it's clear that the government is ready to weather the storm, one belly laugh at a time.

As the floodwaters continue to rise and rivers burst at the seams, it's comforting to know that President Ruto and his team are taking the plunge into action. With heavy rains forecasted to continue through June 2024, it seems we're in for a wet and wild ride. But take courage, my fellow Kenyans, for in the words of President Ruto himself, "We'll weather this storm together, even if we have to do it in rubber duckies!"

So grab your snorkels and inflatable armbands, Nairobi, because we're about to embark on the aquatic adventure of a lifetime. And remember, when life gives you floods, just keep swimming – or in this case, relocating!

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